If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
