I can text with my tongue
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
