so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
