This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Can I color on your dick again?
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
