The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
