I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
