I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
