I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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