I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Blood and glitter go together right?
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
