I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Randomize
