It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
