First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
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