You smell like a Billy Joel song
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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