he thought i was a dude.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
No subtext here. People are naked.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
