This is not my ceiling
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
