and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
