At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
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