Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
