So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
