On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
i black out too much to be "responsible"
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
