and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
i love accidental penises.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
