My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Randomize
