OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
