Capitaan dildo arrescate!
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
