One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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