I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Randomize
