Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
