dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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