i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
