I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
