every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
