so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
