do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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