Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
