You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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