you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Let's paint friendship bongs
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
