I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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