It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
