i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
You were trust falling into bushes
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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