I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
