last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
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