Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
