I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize
