is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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