How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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