To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
