don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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