Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
