They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
