On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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