it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
