Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
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